Revised: 7-16-02  

 

 

Fire Engine
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The child is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon handle tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the large dog's collar and also to the cat's testicles!

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around your cat's collar,

I think you could probably go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right ... but then I wouldn't have a siren!"


LONDON (Reuters) Yesterday scientists for Health UK suggested
that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned
look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it
makes men turn into women.To test the theory, 100 men were
fed 6 pints of beer eachwithin a two-hour period. It was then
observed that 100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive a car
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing is considered necessary.

You Know You're From Idaho If . . .

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on
__ the highway.
2. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
3. You measure distance in hours or minutes.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a __
__ raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
__ unlocked.
10.You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.
11.You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
_ __use them.
12.There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Shopko at
_ _ any given time.
13.You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14."Vacation" means going to Jackpot for the weekend.
15.You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16.You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and
_ _ construction.
17.It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item, because
_ _ you have to stop and talk to everyone you know.

From the Idaho Tourism Council Bulletin:
This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shoulder farm boy did more work before breakfast than ___you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell ___your momma you got your butt kicked by a big boy in bib overalls?
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're goin
__ to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. __ Now drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old.
__ Yeah, We saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get __your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull up your pants, and turn your hat around.You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final
__approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your __ear at that time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak, order
_ _it rare. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds
__ of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of _ _ __ sugar and a long spoon.
9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
__ over ice..
10.So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
___We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we use two
___weeks of the year.
11.Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
___it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12.Our women drive tractors, load hay, and drive trucks--because they
___ want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13.Yeah we eat catfish, carp and freshwater crayfish. If you really want
___sushi and caviar...it's available at the bait shop.
14.The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It is a
___religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
___ You can get breakfast at the church.
15.So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
___Understand the concept.
16.They are called cattle and pigs, and that is what they smell like. Get
___over it. Don't like it? Interstate 84 goes two ways....get on it.
17.Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards. It spooks _ _ _ the fish and ducks.

***** Now, enjoy your visit and then go home. ****


 

The Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. . .
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too." But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah."
_
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

  The Godfather
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him for ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the underling: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

_George Carlin

- I Am Your Worst Nightmare.
- I am a BAD American.
- I am George Carlin.
- I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid- _level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it _away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
- I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
- I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
- I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
- I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
- I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
- I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular _opinions or actions.
- I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
- I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than _working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put _your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be _enlightened.
- I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
- Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian... not that there is anything _wrong with that
- My heroes are John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, the Simpsons, and whoever _canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
- I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
- I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
- I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when _I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
- I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the _desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or _been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up _already.
- I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse _Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he _always part of the problem and not the solution.
- I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running _from them.
- I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the _law, regardless of what color you are.
- I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you _deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the next four _years.
- I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap _or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.These people _should be targets.
- I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should _be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to _never delay the rest of us again.
- I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
- I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
- I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't _pretend they are a political statement.
- I think Dr. Suess was a genius.
- I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the _mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
- I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both _of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
- If that makes me a BAD American, then yes,
.. I'm a BAD American.

Only in America
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ___ambulance...
2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to ___the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people ___can buy cigarettes at the front...
3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, ___and a diet coke..
4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain ___the pens to the counters...
5. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the ___driveway and put our useless junk in the garage...
6. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls ___and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we ___didn't want to talk to in the first place...
7. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns ___in packages of eight...
8. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
___process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
___'bloodsucking creatures'...